How to have a child-friendly divorce: the psychoanalyst’s guide

April 11, 2026 - 14:01

The end of a marriage is a profound transition for any family, but when children are involved, the stakes are immeasurably higher. According to psychoanalyst Erica Komisar, parents must shift their focus from concepts of spousal "fairness" to the singular priority of their children's emotional security.

Komisar emphasizes that a child's sense of safety is paramount. This means parents must consciously separate their marital conflicts from their parenting roles. She advises against using children as messengers or confidants, and stresses the importance of maintaining consistent, loving relationships with both parents, assuming both are fit and present. A stable routine across two households provides a crucial anchor in a time of upheaval.

Furthermore, Komisar challenges the notion of delaying a separation for a child's sake, particularly until they leave for university. She argues this "empty nest divorce" can be more damaging, as the child may feel their family foundation was a facade during their formative teenage years. Instead, she advocates for honesty, age-appropriate communication, and reassurance that while the parents' relationship is changing, their unconditional love for the child is permanent.

Ultimately, a child-friendly divorce is not about perfect harmony between ex-partners, but about a united commitment to shield children from adult conflicts and provide a stable, predictable environment where their emotional needs are placed firmly at the center.